Thursday, June 23, 2011
Promise to Myself
I suppose its not surprising that I've been so busy, too busy to post. There have been alot of changes to my life and I have promised myself that I am going to post more often even if there's not a single soul that reads it. I've always found writing therapeutic. I've kept journals since I was a young girl and now that I'm a big girl I still want to continue with that. I kept a journal through my pregnancy for Gabbie to one day read. I'm still keeping up with that and I plan to keep it going but I need an outlet just for me, my blog. So here I am, at a low point in my life, having a therapy secession.
First, and the most major, I was fired from my job. Yes... you heard me right. No warning, no notice, nothing. I was called into the office and told I was being let go. Talk about a nervous break down. I just kept thinking, "I have a 5 month old daughter and a house payment. What are we going to do?" I kept praying and praying... and praying and praying. I know that God never gives you more than you can handle, but Lord I've had enough. I know it can always be worse too. I'm trying to look on the bright, see the silver lining, and have faith, but its hard. I woke up this morning expecting to be depressed, but I wasn't. I actually felt good. It was then that I knew everything was going to be ok, somehow. I know there is no point in worrying myself to death, it won't make anything better. So I've given it all to God and I'm going to do everything I can to get a new job ASAP.
Second, I found out last weekend that my 15 year old female cousin was molested by our other male cousin. This was a shock. I've know for years that our male cousin needed some help, he hasn't been "right" since his mother passed when he was very young. This has thrown our family for a loop. I love both of my cousins so very much, and I hate to see either of them suffer and hurt. But that's exactly what they are both going through. My male cousin is in a mental hospital now, finally getting the help that he needs. My female cousin is hanging in there. Her parents are consulting an attorney and I'm uncertain of what they are going to do. I pray that in time, my family can heal from this. We are all so very close, I hate that something like this has happened.
Third, The Man's job is in jeopardy. He has yet to pass the Chemistry praxis and he has to pass in order to continue teaching. He was able to take it one last time and I pray every day that he has passed. Needless to say, he has been in a funk. We won't find out his test scores til July 5. I honestly don't know what we are going to do if he doesn't pass....Lord that's too much!!! I'm not worrying about it though...it won't help. I keep trying to tell The Man that but he won't listen. He's such a worrier, just like mother. I pray that he finds peace with all this. I know he is completely freaking out inside, he just won't show it to me.
Fourth, my step-grandmother has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She opted for chemo but I have a feeling its not going to do any good. She is fading fast. Honestly its probably better that way. I hate that she has to suffer at all, let alone for an elongated period of time. My mother and step-father are her primary care givers. Mother is doing everything she can but I know that she's not going to last long. I've told them to look into a full time nurse. I pray that God does not allow her to suffer long.
Needless to say, its been rough. Although there are so many things going wrong, there is still plenty to be thankful for. I know that it can always be worse and I pray that it doesn't get worse. I am so thankful for my family. I know that regardless everything will work out. My daughter will be taken care of, the mortgage will get paid, and some day soon The Man and I will crawl out of this rut in the road. Seems like all I do anymore is pray but I guess there are worse ways to pass the time.
My daughter has become my air. Just looking at her makes everything worth it. She's truly amazing. She's learning so much, every day she changes. I thank God every day for her. If The Man and I weren't in such a financial black hole, I wouldn't mind getting pregnant again. No I'm not crazy... I just LOVE being a mom!!! It is something that I've always known I was supposed to be. Now that I am a mother, I can't wait to have more children. Its funny, 5 years ago the only thing I wanted was to get my PhD and have an amazing career. Now the only thing I want is to have more babies and put up some tomatoes!!! Talk about a 180!! I still want my PhD, but I know now what my calling really is.
Thank you, whoever you are, for reading this and listening. I am making a real effort to post more, because I know that it will help me overcome. Plus its free therapy!!! I leave you with some new picture of my amazingly gorgeous daughter. Until next time!!